Black Raven Dragoons

[Zancarius]

No, really.

Techcrunch is speculating that Microsoft's Bing is a search engine for nothing other than pornography. It's a satirical article, but you do have to seriously consider the prospect.

Although, I'd like to do them one better.

Let's consider for a moment that most less scrupulous sites (pirated video/music/software, porn, cracks sites, and so forth) are generally home to a plethora of the Internet's spyware, virus, and other assorted malware. Were one to browse such sites with Windows--more specifically with Internet Explorer--they become far more likely to become infected with malicious software. Put on your conspiracy hats! Maybe Microsoft is trying to keep the antivirus companies in business!

Here's a parody conversation that may have unfolded:

Microsoft Rep: Cut us some exclusive deals and we'll see what we can do.

Unnamed A/V Software Rep: Hey, look, following XP, you guys kinda screwed us over, you know? Patching in fixes, including Windows Defender, UAC, the works. It's getting harder for people to get infected! We've already diversified into firewalls, performance boosters, and so forth. Throw us a bone, will ya?

MS Rep: We can make people view more porn.

A/V Software Rep: What's that gonna do for us?

MS Rep: Think of all the WoW players. Chinese hackers love them.

A/V Software Rep: So?

MS Rep: It's a miracle you're still in business. THINK ABOUT IT, man! We get people to go to naughty sites, their computers are infected, we point them to you, and you sell them your product!

A/V Software Rep: Yeah, but how are you going to do that? The FTC would be all over your case...

MS Rep: We've got our own search engine.

A/V Software Rep: Bing? HAH! That's a joke. My teenage daughter heard about it and has been making fun of it ever since. Seriously, your marketing department really dropped the ball on that one. Screwed the pooch...

MS Rep: Okay so the name sucks...

A/V Software Rep: ...binged the bong. Banged the bing?

MS Rep: I can't believe I'm having this conversation.

A/V Software Rep: Bing, bing, bing! We have a winner! Hah, I kill me.

MS Rep: (Sighs)

A/V Software Rep: You seriously think that copying Google is a great idea? Sheesh. At least their name rolls right off the tongue. Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooogle. I love that. It's like mooing. Except it's not. Bing? What can you do with "Bing?"

MS Rep: (Develops a mild eye twitch)

A/V Software Rep: I mean, it's like a sound effect in a cartoon. You know, someone gets a bright idea. BING! Light bulb pops up above their head. Maybe that's what you were aiming for? An idea site... but a search engine?

MS Rep: (Seethes slightly)

A/V Software Rep: Imagine if your friend is like "Dude, my mom is famous." And then you're like "Oh yeah? Let me just Bing your mom real fast." You can't tell me that doesn't sound dirty. Now, Google. That's a good verb. If you're going to Google someone's mother, it sounds classier.

MS Rep: Okay, okay, okay! I get the idea. Seriously. You can stop now.

A/V Software Rep: I Binged your mom.

MS Rep: Dude, shut up. Okay? I got the point about 15 minutes ago. The name sucks. I get it.

A/V Software Rep: Maybe I could Bing you?

MS Rep: (Backs up slightly.) Let's... let's not go there.

A/V Software Rep: So what's this idea?

MS Rep: Bing. We'll use Bing...

A/V Software Rep: (Childishly snorts with laughter) You said Bing. Huh huh.

MS Rep: (Sighs) We'll use our search engine...

A/V Software Rep: Bing... (Snorts again)

MS Rep: (Pretends to ignore the comment) ...and we'll make it super-easy for people to find bad things.

A/V Software Rep: It's like that one video. The Internet is for...

MS Rep: Yes, exactly.

A/V Software Rep: (Snaps his fingers to an imagined tune before lighting up, clearly influenced by a brilliant flash of insight) The Internet is for ... BING!

MS Rep: Oh brother...

A/V Software Rep: So, yeah. What's this idea then?

MS Rep: We have a video search feature...

A/V Software Rep: ...on?

MS Rep: On Bi--our search engine.

A/V Software Rep: So you can find people Binging on Bing?

MS Rep: (Facepalms) Err--something like that.

A/V Software Rep: Okay, so we Bing on Bing and then what?

MS Rep: I can tell this has already degraded.

A/V Software Rep: But it's soooooooooo fun...

MS Rep: Listen. Here's the plan. We'll buy advertising on Google.

A/V Software Rep: ...for Bing...

MS Rep: Right. And then whenever someone searches for something like "pornography," we'll lead them to...

A/V Software Rep: BING! See how that works?

MS Rep: I think you might be on to something... and all this time I just suspected you of reenacting a hormonally-induced post-adolescence stupor. Or maybe you're aging backwards.

A/V Software Rep: I have to tell you, that's brilliant.

MS Rep: (Smiles smugly) The idea? Of course.

A/V Software Rep: No, you moron. The name. Bing! It's brilliant. It's a great name for a porn search engine...

MS Rep: I think we'll be renegotiating that contract, by the way.

Disclaimer This is an entirely fictitious exchange between two people who don't exist.

[Snobal]

TONIGHT, ON UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!